This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The star dog Cooper graces you with his presence and wishes you the best. He knows you need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Sorry Taurus, the stars are busy right now, please leave a message after the beep. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Time to plant your garden, Gemini. Get it done now, and your odds of harvesting one salad’s worth of vegetables by the end of the season will be likely-ish. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Listen, I don’t even know what I am having for dinner. How am I going to help you with your crappy life. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The mitochondria is the alpha of the horde. Don’t touch it because it will bite you. Ow. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] ~live, laugh, love~ “Ugh yas, that honestly represents me so well like tbh you just wouldn’t get it.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars would like to thank caffeine for sponsoring this week’s horoscopes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] P E T T H E D O G [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Girls are great. Treasure the ladies in your life, Sagittarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] In six months it’ll be October. Happy half birthday-month, Pumpkin King. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] YEEAASS END OF THE TERM!!! Wait what? We’ve still got three weeks to go? Oof. Hold in there, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] I know, I know… I am sorry we just have to end things…. It’s been four years, Western. It’s hard for me to … but I just need to leave. You’ll find someone else, don’t worry. [/fruitful_tab]

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