Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Oddly satisfying: the way Gru from “Despicable Me” says “Gorls.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Four more weeks… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] I may have been born in the ‘90s, but my soul is from the Middle Ages (: <3 <3 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] When you just ate a carrot and you haven’t lost any weight yet, there is something wrong with the system! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Is it okay if I use this as this week’s horoscope? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Oooh, the judge is gonna give you a life-sentence because you have been absolutely KILLING IT this week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars think it was totally reasonable of you to be late to class because you stopped to pet the cat. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] You’re wrong about the moon. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Life is too short to spend it doubting yourself, Sagittarius. Remember that when you start to question why you’re rewatching “The Office” for the third time this year. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] The stars see three full-size pizzas that will be consumed solely by you in your future. And by your future, we mean within the next week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Fruit Loops are in your future, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Best believe that the last time you saw your crush, you had some big old crusty nose gold visible — and boy did they notice! With that in mind, HAVE A GREAT WEEK! [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The star dog Cooper graces you with his presence and wishes you the best. He knows you need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Sorry Taurus, the stars are busy right now, please leave a message after the beep. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Time to plant your garden, Gemini. Get it done now, and your odds of harvesting one salad’s worth of vegetables by the end of the season will be likely-ish. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Listen, I don’t even know what I am having for dinner. How am I going to help you with your crappy life. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The mitochondria is the alpha of the horde. Don’t touch it because it will bite you. Ow. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] ~live, laugh, love~ “Ugh yas, that honestly represents me so well like tbh you just wouldn’t get it.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars would like to thank caffeine for sponsoring this week’s horoscopes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] P E T T H E D O G [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Girls are great. Treasure the ladies in your life, Sagittarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] In six months it’ll be October. Happy half birthday-month, Pumpkin King. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] YEEAASS END OF THE TERM!!! Wait what? We’ve still got three weeks to go? Oof. Hold in there, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] I know, I know… I am sorry we just have to end things…. It’s been four years, Western. It’s hard for me to … but I just need to leave. You’ll find someone else, don’t worry. [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s probably hitting you now, in week 6, that you’re in COLLEGE college. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Don’t question yourself so much, Taurus. You’ve made it this far, so you must be doing at least a few things right. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] According to the Facebook quiz we just took, your spirit animal is Danny Devito. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Remember that thing that whoever was suppose to remind you about but never did, this is your reminder, you’re welcome. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The taste of a bitter pineapple is succulent. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Thanks for checking in every week, Virgo. It’s always good seeing you. To be clear, though, we always see you. Like the stars are literally always watching. But it’s good to see you under your own free will. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Sorry, Libra, the stars are busy with homework this week and don’t have time to give you life advice. Hint hint. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Genuine slab, partner. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Everything the stars are thinking to say right now sounds really cynical, so we’ll just say that we hope you have a nice week. We’re sending our love. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] No amount of facemasks are going to fix those dark circles around your eyes. There’s only one cure for those bad boys, and it rhymes with “fleep.” And it’s defined as, “something you will not be getting for at least five more weeks.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Ya know, the stars have a really wise piece of advice, but will you even listen Aquarius? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Have you ever sniffed your socks and said, “whoa that’s spicy!”? Blame your Pisces-ness. [/fruitful_tab]

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Missed connections on campus

Jackson “The Ballroom Blitz” Moreau

I just wanted to tell you your cut-off leather vest was impeccable. The way it flew through the air when you dropped the hammer on the wrestler named Steve made my day so much better. Bless your heart but mostly bless your vest.

Love, the Boy You Almost Kicked.

 

Golden hair goddess

I saw you on my way to class one morning. Your hair bouncing with every step you took. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. Our eyes met and you smiled back at me. I was willing to be late to class just to caress my hands all over your body, even just for a minute. Right as I was about to make my move the jerk that was walking you pulled you around the corner. I could still see your tail wagging as you ducked behind the building. I would give anything to see that tail wag away one more time. Kisses from the girl who wishes you were her’s.

 

Good boy in the Ford truck

You drove past me in your truck while I was trying to avoid all those sororities tabling in front of the WUC. We locked eyes. I gasped. Your tongue hung out of the side of your mouth. I screamed. The best boy.
Best wishes, the girl screaming on the sidewalk

 

On the job

I walked into the library and there you were. You looked excited to see me. I was frozen and my hands were pinned by my sides — I didn’t want to make the first move. You looked so good in your vest. I know I couldn’t bother you on the job, but those floppy ears were nearly irresistible. You booped the back of my hand with your wet nose as you passed by. Please meet me again when you’re off duty.

Xoxo, CW

 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s week 5. This ain’t it, chief. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″]Taurus, can we take a moment to appreciate how absolute fire the “Shrek” soundtrack is? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] How can I focus on this math lesson when all I can think about is that Thomas the Tank Engine trick shot/stunt video? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] It’s the week to be passionate about whatever it is that does it for you — school, work or watching the same show again on Netflix and dramatically acting out reactions to plot twists you knew were coming. Bravo. Bravo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Bacon. Bæ-Ken. Adverb. The art of giving your beloved lightbulb to your third cousin once removed. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Literally, forget what anyone says. The sun is shining, you’re probably Vitamin D deficient, so who cares if it’s still 60 degrees? PUT ON A TANK-TOP AND SHORT-SHORTS AND BE YOUR BEST SELF. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] “Friends” was right — it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Whew. This week has been a roller coaster. I’m genuinely not sure whether to laugh or cry rn. That’s all. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] You know when your brain feels like AHHHHLAKJSASDF$$DA!! and then you forget how to read and your verbal skills plummet to the level of a 2nd grader? No? Just me? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] I gotta pay my phone bill and also get some more milk. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Today the color of your aura is saying ‘damn bro that fart was nasty. Can you eat less Taco Bell please?’ [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Just when Aries season was starting to get good, Taurus had to come along and end it. Thanks a lot, Taurus. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Cereal is just breakfast soup. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Hello, Gemini. Friendly reminder with this sunshine to please keep knees covered at all times. Thighs are fine. Shins are fine, also. But cover the knees!!!! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Want to hear a sad story? My parents asked me what I am doing after I graduate. Yep, you know. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Stop caressing your succulents. They need sunlight and water. Not your filthy, sweaty hands. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Your tip for the week: try doing homework. Give it a go. You never know — it might just help your grade, or something. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Y’all hear somethin’? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] HERE COMES THE SUN, DOO DOO DOO DOO [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] What if your sign was capriKorn? Rock on. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Pisces knows what’s up. Can’t a b’ just get lost in the sauce? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Did you know that the leading killer in the pasta kingdom is too little sauce. So y’all get lost in the sauce, not for you — but for your carbohydrates. [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It is your birthright to celebrate your birthday every day of Aries season. If you’re not, then you’re doing something wrong. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] The stars have heard whispers of a Star Wars club forming… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Ok so can we bring back light-up shoes [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Okay, that’s enough Oregon — can we get some sun now? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] MAKE SURE TO BREAK DOWN YOUR NACHO THOROUGHLY. It hurts when you swallow a big piece D; [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Let me blow your mind real quick: It’s only Week 3. *Mind = blown* [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Sure, Libra, keep complaining about the rain. We know in a few weeks you’ll be complaining about the heat. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] T A K E T H E L E A P. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Sooo, pizza for lunch again? Okay, cool. Good call. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Due to unforeseen circumstances, Capricorn will not be attending class today. (Unforeseen circumstance: stayed up until 5 a.m. watching Netflix.) [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Do you even have time to be reading this Aquarius? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Goes to college. Graduates from college. Still isn’t qualified for any job. [/fruitful_tab]

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